Thursday, October 1, 2015


Lately I have been struggling with boundaries, people walking all over me, and being surrounded by negativity. My reaction to this tends to be to put up my wall, cut people out of my life and to get angry. I have been in my own protective shell for the past six weeks to try and sort this all out in my head. Nothing much seems to be changing. I read somewhere the other day that GOD won't change your circumstances sometimes because he wants you to change your reaction to them. I pondered that for awhile and then thought nope my reaction is fine, that isn't the case with me. Its everyone else and I will just hole up and wait for people to change.

Tonight I was reading about the latest school shooting in Oregon. My first reaction before sadness and hurt for the people suffering was anger. I am angry that people lost their loved ones and lost their lives. I am angry about so many things involving this. I was all set to write to post, an angry post, venting and raging about the injustice and entitlement in this country that is destroying it. Then it hit me that reacting with anger is about the worst thing I could do. Anger on top of anger isn't going to help there be more love and peace in this world. Anger is what starts these awful things.

Maybe it is more about our reactions. That really is all we can change. "Be the change you want to see in the world" -Mahatna Gandhi.  This world needs more love, more positive, more light. So I am releasing my anger and sending love and compassion to the hurting people in Oregon tonight. 

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

15 Minutes

Small changes add up to one big change.

How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.

These are things running through my head as I try and make some changes in my life. I am most defiantly an all or nothing person. This approach is not working.

I am trying a new 15 minute approach. Need to organize your house, start with 15 minutes a day. Need to lose some weight, run for 15 minutes a day. Small changes, small habits to change.

Today I am working on writing for 15 minutes. Random, loose writing.

I love The Voice. This show makes me laugh, cry and feel strong.
I am working on doing things with more purpose in my life.
I need a different plan for kids getting off the bus at my work.
I am loving fall, the colors, the smells, the food, the crisp clear days.
Plaid blankets are one of my favorite things.
I appreciate my Beautiful perfume my mem got me for my birthday daily.
I dream of living at the ocean.
I am working on getting a firmer, bigger ass.
Pumpkin spice coffee, its worth going to work for a cup.
15 minutes done, peace out.

Monday, September 28, 2015

Its always worth it

Chris and I went to Maine this weekend. This was our 4th trip for a weekend away without the kids. Every time its hard to go. The kids freak. Like cry and beg us not to leave. We are never so loved as when we are heading out of town. There are tight hugs and sad eyes. Even the dog gets sad and out of sorts. The entire family needs to be put on Prozac because we are going away for a few nights.

Besides the stressed out kids and dogs there is so much to prep for. We need to plan for the kids, the dogs, the house, the sports etc etc. There is more time put into prepping then the actual time away. Add in the time back home getting back into life and one starts to wonder if its worth it.

Every year I feel guilty. I drop the kids off at school and wipe my eyes as I walk back to my car. I second guess myself and think the world will stop turning without me there to keep spinning it. I email my mom looking for reassurance. She tells me without fail to go, stop worrying, don't feel guilty, it will all be okay. I am so thankful for that reassurance. I am so thankful for her telling me she never felt guilty leaving us ( what is wrong with our generation that we are so guilt ridden.)

We head out with our kids in trusting hands (thanks parents) and our dogs too (another huge thank you parents) and leave town with a lump in my throat.

About a half an hour into the trip I breathe and remember why it is always worth it. The quiet and the conversation. The being and the doing. Eating dinner while talking and laughing. Going for a run and coming back to a wide open day. Sitting in the hot tub snapping ridiculous selfies. Going our separate ways and then coming back together. My soul is so relaxed, my brain so rested, my body so quiet. I reconnect with Chris and remember why we are in this family with three kids and two dogs. We power up to be able to come home and start again.

So girls, I know you fought hard but this is about so much more than you being upset we left for 48 hours. And I am giving you permission right now to go, don't worry and don't feel guilty. Take some time to take care of yourself and your marriage. I'll keep your kids and clean your house while you leave town. Its so much work but its work that is always worth it.

Monday, September 21, 2015

Shadow Lake

Shadow Lake, this is the summer home of my childhood. The place I learned to swim, played with family and ran free and wild. I don't remember any rules applying, the days and nights both long. I am so thankful I can take my children there, let them run free, collect frogs and experience the beauty of just being. We had bagels on the beach for breakfast and early morning swimming.
Moose ran until he couldn't run anymore and we played candy bar bingo until dark. I love the freedom and openness that Shadow Lake represents. Neighbor dogs and kids come over to play. My kids run across lawns and ride bikes down paths. They stop and ask a neighbor if they can swing on their hammock. There is no cell service and no TV. Without those being a choice they are free to be kids, to just be, and to explore. We often make huge meals when staying there because time seems endless and kids are hungry. Dinners are always outside on the three lined up picnic tables, everyone sitting together. We listen to the loons and have real dinner conversation. I seem to be able to hear my children more at the lake, and to hear myself more. I could spend days just sitting, being, reflecting and cleansing my mind and soul. This is a summer trip I look forward to every year. Whether we spend 6 days there or 6 hours I trust that its enough to give us what we need.

Sunday, September 20, 2015

Turning 38

I turned 38 the other day. My big plans for the day of spending it alone reading at Shadow Lake turned into going to work with a sick kid. My weekend plans of my family staying up to camp turned into a soccer game and bridal shower. The older I get the more I learn to role with it. We had a much wanted campfire and I forced my family to sit around it. After everyone was in bed I snuck back onto the deck for a last view of the amazing sky. I stars were bright and everywhere. I noticed a plane flying to the east and I thought someday that will be me and my girls, flying to Europe for the vacation I am always planning in my head. Then I saw a falling star. Someday when I am on that plane I am going to think back to that night of my 38th birthday and remember how that dream seemed so alive but so far away but I still had complete faith it will come to pass.

Some things I am working on this year and some lessons I feel I have learned.

1. Self care is as important to my family as taking care of them.
2. Getting up early- this is a constant challenge. My body says get up, get going you'll feel stronger. My mind says stay in bed, we have five more minutes. Its a tug of war each morning. My mind agrees as soon as its up. I need to work on listening to my body more.
3. Fiction stories I am reading are not my story.
4. Watch your words.
5. Guard your thoughts.
6. Being in nature strengthens me.
7. As done running, and pretty much any cardio exercise outside.
8. I need to listen to more music and more variety of music.
9. People are doing the best they can most of the time- thank for Brene Brown.
10. Honey is a wonder drug.
11. One Direction really is a great band.
12. Do some creative projects around your house.
13. Wear more jewelry.
14. Be home more.
15. Take more pictures.
16. Explore, even places you think you have explored out.
17. Make time for your grandmothers.
18.  Candles can make all the difference in the atmosphere of your house.
19. Rainy days should be savored as much as sunny ones.
20. Lack of boundaries leads to resentment.
21. Talk softer to your kids when they get louder. This is something I am working on very unsuccessfully, meaning I basically suck at this. Its a goal for this year. Something to work on.
22. Drop what you are doing and go the Lake. The Lake is good for the soul.
23. Visit the ocean at least once a year.
24. Write more. Get your butt up early and write.
25. When you have having bad thoughts plan for the next holiday.
26. Pray for protection for your heart and mind from angry people that take their anger out on you.
27. Buy only things you love.
28. Things are worth waiting for, you appreciate them more and love them more.
29. Pray and give your resentments to GOD. Along with your worries and fears.
30. Mange your time and money.
31. Say no more.
32. Make it a priority to make people feel important to you.
33. Buy birthday cards and mail them!
34. Invite people over more. Don't wait for perfect.
35. Thank GOD every day for the amazing blessings in my life.
36. Work on doing things with the kids one on one.
37. Go away one weekend a year with Chris.
38. Make time for things that make me strong. It is always worth the time spent.

Sunday, August 16, 2015


I am feeling a bit lost lately about how to live my life. I feel thrown between the daily grind of home and work and then the longer picture, how to teach my kids, accomplish my dreams, and do what I was put on this earth to do. The daily grind seems to swallow me so the other stuff gets lost. What I love and what I want is to be home, really home. Making food, being with my family, replenishing the well. And I also want to be gone, camping, at the lake, at the ocean, driving until I find a cozy town to explore. Its the middle where I don't really care to be. Driving to practices, paying bills, school shopping, vacuuming the car. But the middle is where I get stuck. The middle is where I focus my attention and thoughts. I am not clear yet on how to change this. I am always searching for more time. That is what I think the answer is. My heart tells me that isn't the answer. Its something deeper. Its about change and discipline and priorities.

We have been camping for a week. There is something about sitting around a campfire with your kids doing nothing but talking that is more valuable than anything. The TV didn't work and there was no WIFI so the kids had no choice but to join me by the fire and engage in conversation. In the fast paced season of life we are in just simple unproductive conversation is rare. It is needed though and such a gift.

We stayed at my mem's house one night this week. A big four generation sleepover. I am so thankful my kids will have memories of sleeping over with memere as I did as a kid. Staying in her big house that makes creepy noises. Waking up and hanging out on the porch. I love to think about how the house looks from the outside when we are there, full of life. Every light is on and there is a stream of activity in all the rooms. For a house the is normally mostly dark at night when we are there it is a huge light.

Summer is winding down. Most of our plans are done. We have certainly made the most of this summer. There are a few plans left and then we'll head into a fall where there are plans for a concert and a few weekends away. Soaking up the hot weather and swimming until the crisp air takes over.

Wednesday, July 15, 2015


I love the ocean. We finally got away with the kids this summer to the beach. To say it was amazing would be an understatement. The ocean speaks to me, energizes me, restores me, and keeps me going until I can visit again. One day I will live near the ocean. Until then I take my bits and pieces when I can.
There is something about getting away with your family, staying in one hotel room and eating every meal together that helps to reunite and bond a family. We walked the beach, shopped, shared dinners and swam in the pool. We tried to go exploring until one of us ( no name needed) had a panic attack and we had to go back with.  We boogie boarded, played in the waves, and people watched. We spent time together and had time apart. We played musical beds in the hotel room and crammed the kids all together in the backseat of the truck. We connected, we laughed, we loved.
A mild case of chicken pox sent us home earlier than we wanted. But then again no vacation can be perfect. We returned home to our dogs, our home we love, and endless sibling bickering.
Until next time sweet ocean.