Sunday, August 16, 2015


I am feeling a bit lost lately about how to live my life. I feel thrown between the daily grind of home and work and then the longer picture, how to teach my kids, accomplish my dreams, and do what I was put on this earth to do. The daily grind seems to swallow me so the other stuff gets lost. What I love and what I want is to be home, really home. Making food, being with my family, replenishing the well. And I also want to be gone, camping, at the lake, at the ocean, driving until I find a cozy town to explore. Its the middle where I don't really care to be. Driving to practices, paying bills, school shopping, vacuuming the car. But the middle is where I get stuck. The middle is where I focus my attention and thoughts. I am not clear yet on how to change this. I am always searching for more time. That is what I think the answer is. My heart tells me that isn't the answer. Its something deeper. Its about change and discipline and priorities.

We have been camping for a week. There is something about sitting around a campfire with your kids doing nothing but talking that is more valuable than anything. The TV didn't work and there was no WIFI so the kids had no choice but to join me by the fire and engage in conversation. In the fast paced season of life we are in just simple unproductive conversation is rare. It is needed though and such a gift.

We stayed at my mem's house one night this week. A big four generation sleepover. I am so thankful my kids will have memories of sleeping over with memere as I did as a kid. Staying in her big house that makes creepy noises. Waking up and hanging out on the porch. I love to think about how the house looks from the outside when we are there, full of life. Every light is on and there is a stream of activity in all the rooms. For a house the is normally mostly dark at night when we are there it is a huge light.

Summer is winding down. Most of our plans are done. We have certainly made the most of this summer. There are a few plans left and then we'll head into a fall where there are plans for a concert and a few weekends away. Soaking up the hot weather and swimming until the crisp air takes over.

Wednesday, July 15, 2015


I love the ocean. We finally got away with the kids this summer to the beach. To say it was amazing would be an understatement. The ocean speaks to me, energizes me, restores me, and keeps me going until I can visit again. One day I will live near the ocean. Until then I take my bits and pieces when I can.
There is something about getting away with your family, staying in one hotel room and eating every meal together that helps to reunite and bond a family. We walked the beach, shopped, shared dinners and swam in the pool. We tried to go exploring until one of us ( no name needed) had a panic attack and we had to go back with.  We boogie boarded, played in the waves, and people watched. We spent time together and had time apart. We played musical beds in the hotel room and crammed the kids all together in the backseat of the truck. We connected, we laughed, we loved.
A mild case of chicken pox sent us home earlier than we wanted. But then again no vacation can be perfect. We returned home to our dogs, our home we love, and endless sibling bickering.
Until next time sweet ocean.

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Who I am

Sometimes I need a  reminder of who I am and what I believe. Life gets busy and things get chaotic and I find my authentic self buried under all the running and to dos. My thought take over my mind and my emotions take over my relationships. I stop living from the person that I am.

Here are my reminders.

Dear Holly,

This is who you are. Under all the mess and to do's and responsibilities. Underneath all the stress and worry and fear. You are under there. Get quiet and let yourself rise to the top again. This is where you should be living from. This is the person GOD made you to be and the person who should be mothering your children. This is the person that married your husband and drove your parents crazy. Seek her and find her. Welcome her back.
You believe in love and commitment. You believe in compassion and kindness and teaching this to your children. You believe is helping others and doing the right thing. You listen for GOD's guidance and know that he way is the best way.
You trust and have faith. You have faith in others and a tremulous amount of faith in yourself. You have determination that is crazy nuts and a will to be able to do anything you want and need to do. You are a singer and a damn good one. Music is one of your most treasured loves. Reading hugs your soul and nourishes your mind.
You love to laugh and are drawn to people that make you laugh.
You believe in the love of good food and know that meals and family traditions of food draws out memories.
You need to be alone time to time to still your mind and quiet your soul. This is when you recharge and reboot.
Running keeps you sane and strong.
You can see into people's souls and hearts and can read their story. You care about their story and how it affects their life today. You learn from their story.
Working hard is important to you. You have high expectations for others and their work.
You would surround your self with dogs if you could.
You love to be home and also love adventure and travel. New places and experiences fan your fire.
Writing is where you hear yourself and reconnect with yourself.
Campfires and red wine are a few of your favorite things.
You know that sexy is more than a size, its an attitude, a confidence, and knowing how to wear your clothes!
History amazes you and you cannot learn enough about it.
You can feel other people's pain. You can also feel their joy.
You can sink into a deep un rational fear when you are overwhelmed and feel disconnected. You have to fight your way out of this every time.
You are quick to react and slow to think.
Sometimes you talk to much and use your words when you should be using actions.
You need to do the things that make you strong first, then tend to others.
Being outdoors and being active, with others and alone is a must in your life.
You love deeply. You are vigilant and that can be a blessing and a curse. You need to work on using your vigilance for good, for seeing the light. You get caught up in the dark side of it and it eats away at you.
Christmas Eve is your favorite day.
You need to speak up for yourself.
Sometimes its hard for you to trust in someone bigger than you. Your heart wants to, your mind fights it.
Marriage is sacred to you.
You don't give up. You get knocked down and might stay down for a bit, but you pull yourself back up and start again.
You love cluttered kitchens and colored Christmas lights.
You hate crafts.
Read this when you need a reminder. Read this to connect with yourself. Read this to remind yourself of all your light and strengths.

Friday, February 20, 2015

Start with your words

"Words kill, words give life; they're either poison or fruit- you choose." - Proverbs 18:21 The Message

Instructions to me from GOD- "Start with your words." When I was asking how I could help others, do God's work for others, that was my instructions.

A few weeks ago I was asking the kids who shows me the most love in the house. They all answered at once "THE DOG." There was no delay or hesitation in their answer. Then I asked "who does mom show the most love to?" Their answer was the same. I could not believe it. Annoyed, I asked why they thought this. Again they all answered the same "because you talk to him nicely."

That was a real eye opener.

And they weren't wrong. The dog does show me the most love. And in their minds I am sure I do talk to the dog "nicer" than I talk to them. Simply because I don't have to nag the dog. Mostly there is not negative interaction with the dog, just positive, loving words.

Damn I talk to my dog better than I talk to my kids. That needs to change. More yelling at the dog, kidding. More positive speaking to the kids.

The thing is I actually am a positive, people building, I love to give out compliments type of person. I always have been. I am assuming my kids see this and see I am dishing out nice words all over the place besides home. The negative words have taken over at home. Now, the kids are not off the hook completely. If their sweet selves did everything asked of them without nagging or complaining that would eliminate the need of a lot of the negative. But their kids and with that comes reminders and timers and second, third and fourth chances. Which can all be done in a more loving, positive way.

That was eye opener number one. Eye opener number two is that all the other crap doesn't seem to matter in my kids eyes and how I am showing them love. The "extras" insert whatever yours are, mine are running them everywhere, having elaborate birthday parties and play dates, spending too much at Christmas and trying to make the perfect memories, well these extras do not matter in the love world. Yes I am sure they are important, but bottom line, my kids would feel loved without them if I talked nicely to them. That just took a whole lot off my to do list and my wallet is thanking me.

If we all spoke with more compassion and empathy and love how much would that heal the world and the people of it. How many arguments, broken hearts, crushed spirits, wars, and divorces could be avoided if people used their words for fruit rather than poison.

To help the world- start with your words.

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

I have been handed the watering can

I used to think I had no dreams. I had no goals or ambitions. It wasn't that I didn't want great things to happen to me or to live a life I loved, but rather I wasn't dreaming with purpose. I was treading water in dream land, not swimming towards anything.

I prayed about this for some time and did some writing about it and pulled my dreams out of the corners of my mind. I do believe they were there all along, they were just buried under kids, family, to do lists and jobs. I had too many fires to put out to plant any dreams.

The thing is I don't just have one dream, I have so many dreams. They are in every different direction and don't seem to tie together in anyway. I have so many things I want to do. I dream big as there is a long list of them, not just one big thing I want to accomplish.

I feel like my dreams have been planted.  I have picked out what seeds I want and planted them in the ground. Step one is done.
Step two was to pray about my dreams. Ask for direction and guidance and for GOD to water my seeds. This has been going on awhile, lot of praying and waiting and having faith my dreams will come to pass.

Today I realized that GOD has watered by seeds and handed me the watering can. Its up to me what to do now. I can keep watering the dreams, the seeds that I have planted. Keep praying, keep believing and waiting and having faith. Or I can hand the watering can back. I can choose to let my dreams die for now or forever. I can choose to keep living the life I am living because I am afraid of change, or afraid of not having enough, or afraid of failing.

GOD is saying to me the next step is yours. I can't water the whole plot by myself, you need to do some of the work. You need to make some of the choices. You can keep praying, pray for rain, pray for me to soak your seeds, pray that the other plot, your current life keeps flowing, keeps moving, there is still an abundance. Pray for me to bless your seeds. You still need to chose, you still need to pick up the watering can.

Friday, January 30, 2015

Getting ready for the weekend

This has been a day to recharge and fill up the well. I went to spinning this morning, had time to sit and read and pray. Now its snowing and I am getting ready for a snowshoe with Moose. One of my ideal days. Doing several things that strengthen me.

I am putting off cleaning the house, organizing the playroom and doing laundry. That stuff will fit in the cracks later between doing the good stuff. I need to do more of the good stuff. I am finding that the older my kids get the more I need to do the things that strengthen me mentally. In order to be a focused, present, and patient mom to my three girls, my mental state needs to be stocked and strengthened. Its funny how you shift from the need of sleep when they are younger to the need of emotional and mental strength as they get older.

This weekend will be busy with basketball and one of my favorite nephews birthday party. There will be some alone time for Chris and I as my mom takes the kids for one of the nights. This is long overdue. Some time to reconnect and take off the parenting hat for a few hours and just wear the adult hat. Lighten the responsibility for a bit so we can purposefully focus on each other. Something we don't nearly do enough of. Thank GOD for grandparents!

Saturday, January 24, 2015

The Serenity Prayer


The definition of Serenity is "the state of being calm, peaceful and untroubled."

I cannot change how others treat me. I cannot change how other people feel about me or what their opinion of me is. I cannot change their actions, motives, thoughts, feelings, measures of success or how they define love.

I can change how I react. I can change how I feel about others and how I treat others. I can change how I treat myself and how I show love. I can change my motives and thoughts which will change my feelings. I can change my opinion. I can change my words.

Wisdom will come. Don't react, wait for the wisdom.