Wednesday, November 11, 2015

In the Middle

"The Middle is Where the Magic Happens" - Brene Brown

I am middle age, I have middle age kids in the scheme of raising babies to adults, I am middle class. I am pretty much in the middle as much as you can be and I am searching like hell for the magic. 

I have never been a middle person. I am high or low, complete rest or full on energy, go big or go home. I am a lets clean the entire house or do nothing at all. Living life in the middle is not what I naturally know.

I keep reading that God doesn't change our circumstances until we change. I think this is a period of time when I am suppose to be in the season of changing myself. I am suppose to learn to not only live in the middle but to find peace and joy in it.

How does a person change? Pray for change. That is really the only answer I can think of. Ask God to change your heart and mind. Experiences change us, life changes us, learning changes us.

Dear Lord, I am grateful for the middle space I am occupying. Help me to learn to cherish this space and grant me experiences that help me to find the magic in the middle.


Monday, October 19, 2015


I feel like I have been numb for weeks now. I am not sure what is going on with my mind or my emotions but they seem to be turned off. Or they are turned on too high. I am not sure which it is. I just know its different for me. I am not even sure how to describe it, at times I feel turned off and at other times I have so many emotions and thought swirling around its hard to grasp any of them. Maybe it is raising teenage, hormonal girls that is knocking me far to right and then far to the left.

I have few words these days. The person I talk to the most is myself. I have little to give. I am running through the motions of life all while wishing I could engage or get my shit together. My life is good, I am blessed and I know it, I am thankful and my head is full of gratitude. I have perspective. My mind is all there, present and focused, aware of all the good in my life, my heart just feels paused.

Paused, I think that is exactly the right word. I just don't know how to get my heart to play again. My biggest passions don't seem to be doing the trick. Maybe it needs to rest a bit longer. All my loves still reside in my heart, they just seem to be locked in there, idling.

I owe it to my kids, my family and myself to get my heart playing again.

Monday, October 12, 2015


Fall is in full swing. I was blessed this weekend to be able to drive to Maine and gawk at the leaves the entire way. The sun is out, the sky is clear and blue and the air is crisp. This is one of the most beautiful falls I have seen for awhile. Fall is my favorite season. So much beauty. Its also marks the change of living inwardly. To me spring and summer are when we live big outside. Literally outside but also outside our home, our nest. We travel and camp and spend tons of time with family. We live very socially. Fall and Winter we turn inward, retreating back to our home, our nest. The social obligations disappear, we go to bed earlier, we read, we watch movies, we don't drive at dark. I love all the seasons and there are things I will miss about summer but I am loving the season we are in and looking forward to moving towards family hibernation.

Things I am loving about the season we are in right now- Fall, and the season of life we are in right now- crazy running around sports socialness.

Apples everywhere- homemade applesauce, apple pie, a huge bag of apples in my fridge.
Warm days and cool nights.
Reading books to my kids at night that I love as much as them.
Trips with girls, exploring new places.
Planning Halloween parties.
Red and yellow leaves.
My kids all tucked into their beds at night.
Planning Halloween costumes and Christmas Lists.
Fall drives.
Planning and dreaming about upcoming holidays.
Pumpkin spice coffee.
Loving my girls friends.
Sharing clothes with my kids.
Seeing the ocean twice this fall.
Cool soccer games.
Birthday parties with family and friends.
Singing with my kids.
Listening to Ghostbusters.
Parent teacher conferences.
Movie nights
Laying down with girls at night.
Coffee and apple sauce donuts.

Thursday, October 1, 2015


Lately I have been struggling with boundaries, people walking all over me, and being surrounded by negativity. My reaction to this tends to be to put up my wall, cut people out of my life and to get angry. I have been in my own protective shell for the past six weeks to try and sort this all out in my head. Nothing much seems to be changing. I read somewhere the other day that GOD won't change your circumstances sometimes because he wants you to change your reaction to them. I pondered that for awhile and then thought nope my reaction is fine, that isn't the case with me. Its everyone else and I will just hole up and wait for people to change.

Tonight I was reading about the latest school shooting in Oregon. My first reaction before sadness and hurt for the people suffering was anger. I am angry that people lost their loved ones and lost their lives. I am angry about so many things involving this. I was all set to write to post, an angry post, venting and raging about the injustice and entitlement in this country that is destroying it. Then it hit me that reacting with anger is about the worst thing I could do. Anger on top of anger isn't going to help there be more love and peace in this world. Anger is what starts these awful things.

Maybe it is more about our reactions. That really is all we can change. "Be the change you want to see in the world" -Mahatna Gandhi.  This world needs more love, more positive, more light. So I am releasing my anger and sending love and compassion to the hurting people in Oregon tonight. 

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

15 Minutes

Small changes add up to one big change.

How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.

These are things running through my head as I try and make some changes in my life. I am most defiantly an all or nothing person. This approach is not working.

I am trying a new 15 minute approach. Need to organize your house, start with 15 minutes a day. Need to lose some weight, run for 15 minutes a day. Small changes, small habits to change.

Today I am working on writing for 15 minutes. Random, loose writing.

I love The Voice. This show makes me laugh, cry and feel strong.
I am working on doing things with more purpose in my life.
I need a different plan for kids getting off the bus at my work.
I am loving fall, the colors, the smells, the food, the crisp clear days.
Plaid blankets are one of my favorite things.
I appreciate my Beautiful perfume my mem got me for my birthday daily.
I dream of living at the ocean.
I am working on getting a firmer, bigger ass.
Pumpkin spice coffee, its worth going to work for a cup.
15 minutes done, peace out.

Monday, September 28, 2015

Its always worth it

Chris and I went to Maine this weekend. This was our 4th trip for a weekend away without the kids. Every time its hard to go. The kids freak. Like cry and beg us not to leave. We are never so loved as when we are heading out of town. There are tight hugs and sad eyes. Even the dog gets sad and out of sorts. The entire family needs to be put on Prozac because we are going away for a few nights.

Besides the stressed out kids and dogs there is so much to prep for. We need to plan for the kids, the dogs, the house, the sports etc etc. There is more time put into prepping then the actual time away. Add in the time back home getting back into life and one starts to wonder if its worth it.

Every year I feel guilty. I drop the kids off at school and wipe my eyes as I walk back to my car. I second guess myself and think the world will stop turning without me there to keep spinning it. I email my mom looking for reassurance. She tells me without fail to go, stop worrying, don't feel guilty, it will all be okay. I am so thankful for that reassurance. I am so thankful for her telling me she never felt guilty leaving us ( what is wrong with our generation that we are so guilt ridden.)

We head out with our kids in trusting hands (thanks parents) and our dogs too (another huge thank you parents) and leave town with a lump in my throat.

About a half an hour into the trip I breathe and remember why it is always worth it. The quiet and the conversation. The being and the doing. Eating dinner while talking and laughing. Going for a run and coming back to a wide open day. Sitting in the hot tub snapping ridiculous selfies. Going our separate ways and then coming back together. My soul is so relaxed, my brain so rested, my body so quiet. I reconnect with Chris and remember why we are in this family with three kids and two dogs. We power up to be able to come home and start again.

So girls, I know you fought hard but this is about so much more than you being upset we left for 48 hours. And I am giving you permission right now to go, don't worry and don't feel guilty. Take some time to take care of yourself and your marriage. I'll keep your kids and clean your house while you leave town. Its so much work but its work that is always worth it.

Monday, September 21, 2015

Shadow Lake

Shadow Lake, this is the summer home of my childhood. The place I learned to swim, played with family and ran free and wild. I don't remember any rules applying, the days and nights both long. I am so thankful I can take my children there, let them run free, collect frogs and experience the beauty of just being. We had bagels on the beach for breakfast and early morning swimming.
Moose ran until he couldn't run anymore and we played candy bar bingo until dark. I love the freedom and openness that Shadow Lake represents. Neighbor dogs and kids come over to play. My kids run across lawns and ride bikes down paths. They stop and ask a neighbor if they can swing on their hammock. There is no cell service and no TV. Without those being a choice they are free to be kids, to just be, and to explore. We often make huge meals when staying there because time seems endless and kids are hungry. Dinners are always outside on the three lined up picnic tables, everyone sitting together. We listen to the loons and have real dinner conversation. I seem to be able to hear my children more at the lake, and to hear myself more. I could spend days just sitting, being, reflecting and cleansing my mind and soul. This is a summer trip I look forward to every year. Whether we spend 6 days there or 6 hours I trust that its enough to give us what we need.